May 2, 2008
humour
Archived Posts from this Category
April 13, 2008
Being British, this baseball reference was a little over my head, but, I got the general gist…
From the Big Picture
April 9, 2008
With earnings season upon the market again, there will be some interesting results coming down the pipeline.
March 28, 2008
Stolen from Barry Ritholtz, but I think he stole it from Ragin Cajun.
March 3, 2008
A Message from John Cleese - British comedian:
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1 You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and nuclear, and check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have
been pronouncing them.
2 The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as
‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell
‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’
will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
3 Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US
English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated
letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.
4 July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5 You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.
6 Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not
adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to
a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
7 Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8 All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and
you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will
help you understand the British sense of humour.
9 The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you
have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon.. Get used to it.
10 You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on
calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick
cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11 The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation
on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of
British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will
be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
12 Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience
akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
13 You will cease playing American football. There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of nancies). In the meantime don’t try rugby - the South
Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14 Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which
is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware
that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the
South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15 You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
16 An internal revenue agent (i. e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17 Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups,
with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies)
and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God save the Queen!
